So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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