Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
