my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
