His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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