I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
third nipple confirmed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
