my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
