I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
