dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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