apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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