I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
