I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
