good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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