Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
