4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
