I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My liver just had a heart attack.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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