you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
