your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
