i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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