Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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