i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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