Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
