You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
