I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He did a backflip because drugs
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
