Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
