that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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