i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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