you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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