did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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