You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
