she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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