I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There's always time for handjobs
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
