just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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