when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
