I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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