I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
