If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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