my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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