its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
