I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
