Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I checked into jail on foursquare
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's rum buckets o'clock
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
