I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
