Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
