i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
