just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
this will be a night to untag.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
