Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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