She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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