Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
