No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
