is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
