I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
