The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
