he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
